Let Me Go

i just found my old bracelet, very triggering. my goal for tomorrow is at most 500 cals. maybe i'll go to the gym after i volunteer. if not i'll workout at home.

I've done extremely well today. I forgot how good this feels, not the hungry part, but the feeling after you're hungry. I feel like I can feel myself burning calories. So far today I've had 205 calories and now I'll probabaly have a piece of toast with sugar-free jam. Let's say 235. I also went to the gym, ran for 1.5 miles and did some ab work. The official weigh-in at the gym was 147.5 with a bmi of 23.7. eww. I'll hopefully be getting that down soon.

I think I've lost weight. I'm not sure though, I'm too scared to step on a scale. The past few days I've been doing better, eating a lot less than I have been, I've been keeping it to about 1000 calories a day. I need to cut that down drastically though. I am getting in huge fights with my parents every night. I've lost two more friends. I can't function any more. All I want to do is drink myself into a huge oblivion, but that is why I quit drinking. I just can't do this anymore. If anything is going to make me happy, it is getting thin. And right now I'm soo far from that it's crazy.

I weigh more than I've every weighed before. I feel so massive. These past few weeks I've been trying to eat healthy, go to the gym moderately and lose the weight the "right way". Well that hasn't worked out. I've actually gained 5 more lbs because I still end up binging. So tomorrow it's back to drastic restriction. Plus I've been wicked depressed lately, I've lost two of my "best" friends, and don't have a job. I hate my life.

I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit. Tomorrow I'm fasting. Only coffee, vitamin water, tea & water. I don't know how I'm going to get out of dinner. Maybe I'll go over to someone's house to study psychology. I can't deal with being fat anymore. We had homecoming on saturday and I looked huge. I hate myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so stressed out. I know I need to lose weight. I know I'm a fatass, but for some reason I keep eating normally. I'll go until 2 with nothing and then for some reason I'll eat.

I got a membership to the gym. Hopefully that'll help me loose all this fat. By the time my ex-best friend get's home from studying abroad in December I need to be down to at least 120.

I had an anxiety attack today. I am so stressed about college. If I don't get into my top choice I will literally die. Tomorrow I'm getting a gym membership :) I'm very excited.

I hate staying with my parents for the entire day. 1802 calories today...fucking au bon pain. Luckily I did walk a shitload though, tomorrow I'm making dinner so I'm going to make something low-cal and only have that. It'll give me a good start for the week.

I woke up this morning and I weighed 147! I ate too much today. Somehow I've seemed to get my binging under control. I didn't end up eating as much as I thought I would, though it was a lot more that I wish. Tomorrow I'm going to Boston with the fam, so I'm going to have to eat all three meals :(

363 calories today. I had 1/2C pineapple, 100 calorie popcorn bag, 1C black bean soup & 7.5 TLC crackers. yay. I've already lost 1 lb today, let's make it 2

I haven't eaten today yet. I feel so good. Btw, Grey's Anatomy is on tonight. I'm so fucking pumped.

Uh, today sucked. Who knew a fucking latte has so many calories! And unfortunately I couldn't ask the people to put in non-fat milk, because I'm hoping to get a job there and I don't want to sound like a freak. Anyways, it was going okay, until for some reason I decided to eat around 3:30-4ish. I wasn't even hungry. I mean in the morning I was so weak I made myself eat some Special K so I didn't pass out, but in the afternoon I was fine. But for some reason I decided to eat. Bad time. Tomorrow I have plans all day so hopefully I can get away with eating only dinner.

Today was actually a good day. I'm plesantly hungry. I almost broke and binged, but I held off. Thank god. I weighed 149 this morning. Hopefully I'll lose at least a pound by tomorrow. Today I had 722 calories. I'm going to make it less tomorrow.

I hate my mom right now. She keeps telling me I'm fat and I need to lose weight. I'll show her how much weight I can lose. What a bitch. I'm going to fast all day tomorrow. Only tea, coffee & water. I'll be able to do it to because I'm going to a soccer game tomorrow night and I can just say I'm gling to eat then. Hopefully I can keep it up through the entire weekend. My goal is to fast all of Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Saturday I can "go out" for dinner and Sunday I'll have to make the excuse I have homework or something. Luckily dinner is the only meal we eat together so that should be good. I hate this. I fucking hate this. I can't believe I ever let myself get so fat. Today was horrible. I binged like a mad man and somehow my gag reflex is shot so I couldn't get myself to throw up. I kept dry heaving, but nothing would come up. Ugh, life pretty much sucks right now. The only thing that will make it better is losing weight.

The Nicole Richie Challenge is starting today. I'm extremely excited. I'm kinda pissed though because I dragged myself out of bed at 4:45 this morning only to find that the sun doesn't rise until 6:20, meaning I can't go running like I planned. I'm so determined to do well. I miss counting calories and I miss being light and losing weight. I have a scar from the last time I cut and it's pissing me off. I did just weigh myself and I weigh 148! Which is still nasty but I've lost weight from yesterday. Homecoming is Sept 30, meaning I need to lose a substantial amount of weight by then. I have two weeks. The most I've lost in two weeks was 10 lbs.

I hate this I fucking hate this. I got back from South Africa a few weeks ago, and while it was amazing, I also gained a ton of weight. I guess that's what happens to you when a big african family constantly forces food down your throat. I weigh more than I've ever weighed before. I can't believe that last December I weighed 25 pounds less. School is starting soon and I need to look good for my senior year. I know this isn't the right way to lose weight again, but this is all I know and I miss it. I don't know how the hell I'm going to get back into the groove of eating only 300 cals or less a day, but I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I need to get my eating under control before I start college next year so I have no chance of gaining the freshman 15. I would literally die. Currently I weigh 150 at 5'6" that means my bmi is 24.2. Eeeeww that's so nasty. My stgw is going to be 130. I figure if I work hard enough I should be able to lose that in less than a month. Jesus, why did I let myself get this far?

I haven't been here in so long. I thought I was doing okay, thought I recovered...I guess not. Yesterday my "friends" decided to ditch me before prom, which is next weekend. I was upset the whole day and guess what...didn't eat much and I felt a shit load better. I started to realize how far I've come from my low weight of 125 in December and realized how much I miss striving for perfection. So I came home and weighed myself. I weigh 145. I wanted to die. I currently weigh 20 pounds more than I did 4 1/2 months ago. The last time I weighed 145 was the fall of 2004. I need to start cutting back drastically.

I was planning on starting my new program today, but it didn't work out that well so far. I've eaten less than normal, but I haven't counted calories or anything today. I think that today and tomorrow are going to be a cut back period and then Monday I'll start in on strict calorie counting etc. I'm also upping my water intake to 2 L a day at least. I want to try and cut back on caffine intake too, but last time I tried I couldn't do it.

It's been raining for about a week strait, and I no longer have a gym membership because lacrosse has started so I can't go running. I think I'm going to do the bike downstairs and then do weights etc. I'm really nervous about working out hard though because I don't want to hurt my hip any more than I already have.

It's really wierd. I'm half scared and half excited to be here again. I don't want to screw my chances up of going away this summer. I can't risk that, but I need to lose weight. I doubt I'll get there, but I won't allow myself to get below 125 before I leave. 20 pounds should be a good goal to make. I need to be somewhere between 130 and 125 before the end of June.